Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Obvious Gifts for Girls

Besides the obvious like diamonds, luxury sports cars, and ponies there are a few things I believe nearly every girl and girly person in your life will probably appreciate:

  1. Teaspoons.  Girls use spoons a lot. How are we supposed to enjoy our probiotic yogurt cups without them? And there's something coy about a good teaspoon. You'll notice that most female households are running short on them. 
  2. Throw blankets.  I'm not talking about a giant wolf blanket you picked up that guy selling them out the back of his truck on the highway. (Although those blankets do have their appeal...) I'm talking a cosy little number probably from Ikea that feels like the pelt of a baby seal sans guilt. We can get chilly watching The Bachelor and since you don't want to watch it with us a throw blanket is a perfect substitution for human contact.
  3. Bath products.  Nothing says "I love you and know you" more than a random wicker basket from Costco filled with sub-par bath products.
  4. Candles.  Bitches love candles.
  5. Calcium chews.  Instant panty-dropper. It says that you care about us avoiding osteoporosis when we're older which means you care about how we age which means you want to spend the rest of your life with us which means, WAIT, IS THIS AN ENGAGEMENT CALCIUM CHEW?! Mom! I'm getting married!!!
  6. Tampons.  It shows real bravery to walk into a drugstore and buy some pre-formed bullet of cotton we can ride the crimson wave on.
  7. Bagels.  Carbohydrates equal commitment.
  8. Hair ties and bobby pins.  Everyone knows that they're one-time use. That's why we keep "losing them".
  9. Signed, notarized contract promising to never wear Axe body spray or any of their other products.  Obvious reasons.
  10. Salad.  Have you ever seen a picture of a woman eating a salad? Shouldn't your girl be that happy?

You're welcome.


Friday, February 6, 2015